Michael Gillis

 

 

The Onion

'When I'm Acquitted, I'll Murder Those Interviewers,' Robert Durst Mutters While Still Wearing Microphone (headline and article)

Apartment Manager Already Knows To Look Out For Tenant Sending In Minnie Mouse Checks (headline)

Progressive Company Pays Both Men And Women 78% Of What They Should Be Earning (article)

World Wildlife Fund Announces New Breeding Program To Create Way More Squirrels Than Necessary (headline and article)

Looking Back On My Life, I Guess My Biggest Regret Is Trying To Fight That Alligator 5 Minutes Ago (headline)

Grandson's Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic (article)

Man Who Baked Banana Bread Spends Entire Party Anxiously Watching It Go Uneaten (headline)

Barber's Paunch Keeps Touching Customer (headline)

Hand Gestures Transform Friend's Story Into Immersive Virtual Reality Experience (headline and article)

Older Prostitute Explains To Younger Prostitute Who Richard Belzer Is, What He Expects (article)

Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business (article)

The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music' (script)

The Onion Reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' (headline)

Having My First Child Was A Better High Than All The Ecstasy I've Ever Done (headline)

Wild, Rutting Animals Pour Onto Prom Dance Floor (headline)

Self-Deprecating Man Just Scratching Surface Of How Pathetic He Actually Is (headline)

It's Terrifying To Think That In 1,000 Years, All Of Us Will Be Forgotten Except For Me (headline)

2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground (headline)

Roommates Assured Girlfriend Only Staying Over For Entire Duration Of Relationship (article)

Woman Only Willing To Learn New Things In Settings Called Boot Camp (article)

Automakers Ask Nation If It Still Wants That Handle Above Car Windows (article)

'Game Of Thrones' Fans Shocked After Some Little Goblin Or Something Killed Off In Last Night's Episode (headline and article)

Guy Sipping Energy Drink On Subway Probably Heading Off To Snowboard In X Games Or Something (headline)

Brian Williams Retreats To Mountainside Hut To Meditate On Fickle Nature Of Truth (headline)

Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations (article)

Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations (article)

Guy Washing Hands For Full 5 Seconds Like He's Going Into Surgery (article)

The Onion Looks Back At 'The Goonies' (direction)

The Onion Reviews 'Jurassic World' (script, concept, and direction)

Onion Explains: The Rise of China (direction)

Onion Explains: Putin's Russia (direction)

'You Are Not Your Job,' Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower (article)

Friend Working At Milwaukee History Museum Could Probably Get You In For Free (headline)

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing (article)

Man Returning From Vacation Settles On Single Concise Anecdote He'll Tell Everyone Who Asks (article)

New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User's Mouth Always Being Full (article)

Congressman Knows Regular Lobbyist's Order Without Even Having To Be Told (article)

Man Torn Between Boycotting Indiana, Visiting Evansville Zoo (headline and article)

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock (article)

PetSmart Manager Does Morning Sweep Of Enclosures For Dead Ones Before Opening Doors For Day (article)

Study: Best Method Of Finding Job Still Excitedly Circling Newspaper Listing In Red Marker (headline)

Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The 'Mona Lisa' (headline)

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered (article)

Pantene Releases New Complicated 1-In-2 Shampoo (article)

Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child (headline)

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up (article)

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S. (article)

Area Woman Not A Morning, Afternoon, Or Night Person (headline)

Heritage Foundation Lowers Another Retired GOP Senator Into Vat Of Strategists (headline)

Harper Lee Announces Third Novel, 'My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune' (article)

Neighbor Still Has Tree Standing In Yard Weeks After Arbor Day (headline)

Coworker Who Just Threw Fit And Stormed Out Of Room Looked Like Total Badass (headline)

Frustrated Republicans Argue Pope Should Leave Science To Scientists Who Deny Climate Change (headline)

Ungrateful Man Just Up And Dies After Everything Insurance Company Has Done For Him (headline)

Report: Nation's Ditches Overflowing With Children Of Worried Parents (article)

James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film's Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire (article)

Trip To Office Kitchen Hastily Altered To Trip To Bathroom To Evade Despised Coworker (article)

Sometimes I Feel Like Things Would Be Better Off If I Never Existed (headline and article)

New Study Finds Majority Of God's Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere (headline)

Man Wistfully Looks Around Website He Hasn't Visited For 30 Minutes (headline)

Helpful Waitress Asks Recently Seated Couple If They've Eaten Food Before (headline)

Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He's Already Heard (headline)

Area Man Only One With Problems (headline and article)

Returning Parents Can Tell Son Had Huge House Fire Over Weekend (headline and article)

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks (article)

James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film's Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire (article)

Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker (article)

I Don't Vaccinate My Child Because It's My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back (article)

State Of The Union Guests Sort Of Assumed White House Would Pay For Them To Get Home (article)

Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea (article)

Chinese Officials Vow To Fix Nation's Crumbling Reeducation System (headline)

Most Disgusting Towel Spends Final Days Relegated To Role As Bath Mat (headline)

Man Reserving Judgment On Best Actress Nominees Until Looking At All 5 Pictures (article)

Area Man Could Have Made Same Meal At Home But Worse (headline)

HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related (article)

Alcoholic Father Granted Posthumous Sainthood By Catholic Family (headline)

Everyone In Family Compliments Grandmother On How Small And Feeble She's Gotten (headline)

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room (article)

Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn't Have His Genetic Material (headline and article)

Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves (headline)

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff (article)

EPA Unveils Plan To Add 500 Million Squirts Of Lemon To U.S. Water Supply (headline)

Pacific Ocean Quarantined After Contact With Carnival Cruise Ship (article)

Hip, Laid-Back Doctor Refers To Influenza As 'The Flu' (headline)

All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased (article)

Man Trying To Enter Conversation Spends Few Minutes Smiling And Nodding At Edge Of Circle (headline)

Mild-Mannered Reporter Suddenly Transforms Into Incredible Unemployed Man (article)

Area Man Too Deep Into Haircut To Start Talking To Barber Now (headline)

Study: 83% Of Web Content Unfit For Human Consumption (headline)

Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama's Nerves (headline and article)

The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar' (concept)

I Don't Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men (headline and article)

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO (headline)

Street Harasser Haunted By Woman Who Got Away With Dignity Intact (headline and article)

Hero Of The Common Man Talks To Plumber For Entire Time He's In House (headline)

Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway (article)

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave (headline)

Documentary Viewer Can't Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever (article)

The Onion Reviews: 'Gone Girl' (concept)

Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing (headline)

Nation Longs For One More Day With Dying Manufacturing Sector (article)

It's Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks (headline)

Area Man Experimented With Sex Back In College (headline)

Tollbooth Attendant Wishes Just One High-Speed Chase Would Crash Through Entry Bar (headline)

Report: You're Actually Saving Money With Roller Rink Membership (article)

Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds (article)

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired (direction and script)

F. Scott Fitzgerald Estate Wondering Why The Hell Ken Burns Hasn't Come Knocking Yet (article)

Elderly Rite Aid Patron Stretching Out Conversation About Toothpaste To Prolong Human Contact (headline and article)

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee (article)

Report: Female Interns Earn Only Three-Fourths Of College Credit That Male Counterparts Do (headline)

Bored Kim Jong-Un Stacks Entire North Korean Populace Into Human Pyramid To Kill Time (article)

Report: Average American Loses $5,000 Each Year From Splitting Check (headline)

The Onion Looks Back On Dirty Dancing (concept)

Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying (headline)

Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying (headline)

Elderly Parents Staying Active By Frequently Going To Friends' Funerals (article)

NYC Officials Assure Public Most Puddles Of Bodily Fluid On Streets Not Contaminated With Ebola (headline)

Crowd Outside White House Hoping To Catch Glimpse Of President Naked (article)

Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying (headline)

Archaeologists Discover Cave Where Ancient Humans First Had To Pretend To Like Friend's Art (headline and article)

http://www.theonion.com/article/tense-party-enters-third-hour-of-unplayed-acoustic-37031 (headline)

Bath & Body Works Scientists Destroy Experimental Scent Unfit For Mankind (article)

The Genius Behind TinyURL Explains How He Gets The Links So Small (headline)

Man Kicking Self For Wasting Valuable Plate Space At Beginning Of Buffet Line (article)

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life (article)

L'Oréal Releases New Line Of Makeup Specifically For Men To Wear When Wives Not Home (article)

Obama: Iraq Airstrikes Not Slippery Slope To Other Humanitarian Interventions (article)

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living (headline and article)

Nation's Prospective College Applicants Go Straight To Princeton Review's 'Best College Radio Station' Rankings (article)

Civilian Casualty Flattered To Have Been Mistaken For Hamas Leader (article)

Study: Average American Has Over 9 Million Imagined Sexual Partners In Lifetime (headline and article)

Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup (headline)

Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind (headline and article)

GlaxoSmithKline Releases New Drug To Treat People Who Just Feel Sort Of Weird Sometimes (headline)

Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There (article)

Psychology Comes To Halt As Weary Researchers Say The Mind Cannot Possibly Study Itself (article)

Give It To Me As Roundabout And Sugarcoated As Possible, Doc (headline)

Scientists: Rich People, Poor People May Have Shared Common Ancestor (article)

Obama To Cut Costs By Packing Lunch Every Day For U.S. Populace (article)

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed (article)

Israel: Palestinians Given Ample Time To Evacuate To Nearby Bombing Sites (article)

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed (article)

The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' (script)

God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research (article)

Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back (headline)

Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus (article)

New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents (headline)

Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings (article)

Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine (direction)

Iraqis Somehow Manage To Screw Up Functional Democracy U.S. Left Them With (headline)

Pigeon Wishes Just Once It Could Complete Head Movement Smoothly (headline)

Shocking 'Game Of Thrones' Finale Concludes With Arrest Of 5 Million Viewers For Piracy (headline and article)

Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something (article)

Desperate Barnes & Noble To Give Unlimited Free Tablets To Anyone Who Walks In Store (article)

Resigning House Leader Cantor Reflects On All The Accomplishments He Thwarted (article)

New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game (headline, script rewrites, direction)

Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels (script)

The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan' (script)

Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn't Think She's Worth $3,000 Gallstone Surgery (headline)

Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop (headline)

New X-Men Film Features Bryan Singer Traveling Back In Time To Molest Younger Self (article)

Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor (headline)

Fourth-Grader With Shark Tooth Necklace Must Have Killed Great White (article)

Taco Bell Warns Employees Against Directly Exposing Skin To Food (article)

Congress Reluctant To Cut Funding For Tank That Just Spins Around And Self-Destructs (article)

High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job (direction)

Prescription Bottle Recommends Taking 10 Tablets If You Really Want To Fly (article)

Paleontologists Unearth Earliest Known Dinosaur Stickers (article)

Study: Most Serial Killers Did Not Receive Toy Every Time They Went To Store As Kids (direction)

4 Incredible Rocks That Look Just Like People (article)

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She'll Settle (article)

Classmates Awed By First-Grader Who Gets Free Breakfast Every Day (article)

Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day (article)

U.N. Report On Magical Realism Warns Of Increased Incidences Of Women's Tears Flooding The Entire World (article)

Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents (article)

Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day (article)

Mom Packs Encouraging Note In Own Lunch (article)

Deeply Held Conviction Immediately Dropped After Friend Half-Heartedly Disagrees (headline)

Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings (script)

Study: Home Rotisseries Only American Technological Field Still Advancing (headline)

Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today (article)

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship (article)

12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens (headline and a number of the slides)

If God Exists, Why Doesn't He Throw Us, Like, A Really Fucking Sweet Party? (headline)

Top Of Mt. Everest Pulling Away Majority Of Hollywood Films With Generous Tax Credit Program (headline)

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags (article)

Report: 58% Of World's Japanese Speakers White 23-Year-Old American Males (headline)

Older Cousin Thinks It About Time To Have Uninformed Sex Talk With Area 8-Year-Old (article)

Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking (article)

Chorus To 'Juke Box Hero' Playing On Repeat In Monk's Bowed Head (headline)

Chinese Factory Workers Fear They May Never Be Replaced With Machines (article)

Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out (article)

The Onion Reviews Divergent (script)

Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3 (headline)

Where Is God Hiding? (headline)

Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side (headline)

Expectant Parents Throw Some Values Together At Last Minute (article)

It Not Clear If It Okay To Pass Handicapped Woman On Sidewalk (article)

Parents Urge Son To Invest In Improv Comedy Education (script)

12-Year-Old Couldn't Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox (script)

Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today (article)

Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3 (article)

Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She's Talking About (article)

Expressing Deeply Held Political Opinion Referred To As 'Gaffe' (article)

Close-Minded Man Not Even Willing To Hear Out Argument On Why Homosexuality An Abomination (headline and article)

Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time (script)

Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor (script)

Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads (headline)

Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She's Not Interested In Him (headline)

New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education (article)

Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ? (headline)

Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads (headline)

Congress Is Playing Professional Tournament-Level Ping-Pong With This Nation's Future (headline)

Report: [-]% Of Americans Suffer From Synesthesia (headline)

187 Images, Which, If Rapidly Clicked Through, Will Create The Illusion Of Motion (headline)

Grotesque Child Born With Only 99% Normal Human DNA (headline)

Report: 'Swamp Thing' And 'The Return Of Swamp Thing' Just 2 Of Literally Thousands Of Movies (article)

Couple Uses Their Genitals To Create Tiny Replica Of Themselves (headline)

English Professor Suddenly Realizes Students Will Believe Literally Anything She Says (headline)

Delusional Man Somehow Thinks He's Going To Get Oscar Nomination (article)

Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers (headline)

Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman's House (headline)

Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business (headline)

Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown (article)

Relatives Gather From Across The Country To Stare Into Screens Together (headline and article)

Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds (article)

Terrifying Man Selling Dead Trees Out Of Middle School Parking Lot (article)

Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone (article)

Company Now 95 Percent Interns (headline)

College Sophomore Raves About Internship Where He Was Almost Treated Like Human Being (headline)

Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time (headline)

Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available? (article)

Vegan's Favorite Restaurant Surprisingly Even Worse Than Expected (headline)

The Onion Film Standard: Oscars Edition (concept)

The Onion Looks Back At 'E.T.' (script)

The Onion Looks Back At 'It's A Wonderful Life' (concept)

The Onion Reviews 'The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug' (script)

The Onion Review, December 2nd (script and direction)

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer (article)

Frustrated Iranian Scientist Forced To Shut Down Project He Spent 12 Goddamn Years Of His Life On (headline and article)

Man Smoking E-Cigarette Must Be Futuristic Bounty Hunter (headline)

Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before (article)

New Report Finds Climate Change Caused By 7 Billion Key Individuals (headline)

The Onion Review, November 18th (script and direction)

Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1 (headline)

Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available? (article)

Report: Kanye West, Bill Gates, Tom Hanks All Currently Reading, Enjoying This Article (headline)

Open Floor Plan Increases Office Shooter's Productivity By 95% (headline and article)

T.G.I. Friday's Bankrupt After Spending Billions On Priceless Americana (headline)

Area Man Condemned To Life Sentience (headline)

The Onion Review, November 11th (script and direction)

Independent Bookstore Puts The Dave Eggers Right Where The Fuckers Can Find Them (article)

Male Substitute Teacher With Ponytail Cloaked In Mystery (article)

Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis (headline and article)

BREAKING: Intruders Detected In Zone 17 (headline and article)

BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn't Commit (headline and article)

Woman Unaware She's Only Person On Acid At James Taylor Concert (headline)

Pilot Thanks Passengers For Flying Delta Just Before Plane Explodes Into A Million Pieces Over Atlantic (headline)

Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water (article)

5-Year-Old Reluctantly Lets Mom Sleep In His Bed Again (headline)

BREAKING: Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible (headline)

Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread (headline)

Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months (article)

Are We Leaving Our Children Far Enough Behind To Ensure They Never Take Our Jobs? (headline)

New Study Finds Human Beings Were Never Meant To Wake Up From Sleep (headline and article)

Nation's Pedophiles March On Washington D.C. Elementary School(article)

There's Going To Be A New Alpha Male In The Office When My Coworkers Hear About The Baby Deer I Saw (article)

Report: You Live In An Embarrassing Country (article)

Serial Killer Thinking Of Interesting Ways To Incorporate Social Media (article)

Chipmunk's Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans (article)

Fucking Pathetic John Ashbery Actually Thinks He Has Chance Of Winning Nobel Prize In Literature This Year (article)

Nobel Prize In Chemistry Award To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler (article)

Anonymous Source Tells Reporter He's Tired Of Being Speaker Of The House (headline)

The Onion Review, October 7th (script)

The Onion Review, September 30th (script)

Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Sized Candy Bar (article)

'Breaking Bad' Ends With Reveal That Whole Series Was Plot Of Book Marie Shoplifted (article)

7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die (headline)

Dad Explains Obamacare (article)

Onion Film Standard: The Butler (concept and script)

Onion Film Standard: Gravity (concept)

Lack Of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable (headline)

The Onion Review, September 19th (script)

Lonely Nation Gathers Outside Window Of Happy Family Eating Dinner Together (headline)

Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility (headline)

The Onion Review, September 13th (script)

Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality (article)

Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today (article)

Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality (headline)

Heartless Dutch Curators Put Deranged Scrawlings Of Mentally Ill Suicide Victim On Full Display For World To Mock (article)

New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long (article)

Foreign Guy Probably Dressed Very Fashionably For Wherever He's From (article)

Stop Sign Taking Forever To Change (headline)

Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House (headline and article)

Report: Americans Enjoy Watching TV, Eating (headline)

Nation Annoyed About Having To Spend Long Weekend Away From Work (headline)

Report: Now Sadly The Best Time In American History To Be Black (headline)

Woman Who Left Room Crying Earlier Expects To Jump Back Into Party Just Like That (article)

Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community (article)

Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media (article)

CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them (article)

Man With 2-Dollar-Sign Salary Recklessly Walks Into 3-Dollar-Sign Restaurant (headline)

Here's The One True Way To Heaven (article)

Washington's Hobby Lobby Lobbies To Strengthen Hobbies (headline and article)

Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller (headline)

All Of Your Memories Implanted In You 5 Minutes Ago When Universe Was Created (headline)

Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man (headline)

San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It's About To Do (article)

Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels (script)

Report: Employers Know Within First 5 Minutes Of Job Interview Whether They Will Murder Applicant (headline)

Boss Seemed Much Nicer In Job Interview (headline)

Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Aren't Discriminated Against (article)

Hundreds Dead In Egypt's Inspiring March Toward Democracy (headline)

Teen Choice Awards Honor Cory Monteith With Posthumous Surfboard (article)

Report: Some Shirts Good, Other Shirts Not Good (article)

Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue (headline)

Man Misses Simple Pleasure Of Going To Movie Store, Browsing For Something, Being Told It's Out, Driving Home (headline)

Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans (article)

Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight (article)

I'm Happy To Say, After 71 years, I'm Finally Going On A Surfin' Safari (headline and article)

Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community (article)

The Onion Review, July 22nd (script)

Man Pulling In $1,000 Per Month Has Nerve To Complain About Minimum Wage Laws (article)

Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland (headline and article)

Report: Detroit Bankruptcy Might Transform City Into Some Kind Of Hellish, Depopulated Wasteland (headline)

Royal Baby Born (article)

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought (headline)

Last Time I Checked This Was Still America, But If I'm Being Honest, That Was A While Ago (headline)

McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes (article)

Overjoyed Florida Gay Couples Rush Out To Have Marriage Denied (headline)

Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger' (headline)

Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken (article)

Sources: You Don't Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman (article)

'Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,' Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard (headline)

Robot Charged With Battery (headline)

Coarse Sponge Excited To Join The Smith Family Dishwashing Team (headline)

231 CIA Agents Killed In Overt Ops Mission (headline)

Middle-Aged Banana Panics Upon Finding First Brown Spot (headline)

Couple Going At It LIke Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabits (headline)

Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object (headline)