Michael Gillis



The Onion

Climate Protesters Terrified After Mona Lisa Extends Big Tongue And Starts Licking Up Soup (headline and article)

Grateful Pigeons In Park Finally Return Favor By Feeding Whole Loaf Of Bread To Lonely Old Man (headline)

Ant Out Of Its Fucking Mind If It Thinks It Getting Any Of Man’s Pie (headline and article)

Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth (headline and article)

Guy At Grocery Store Annoyed People Keep Assuming He Works There Just Because He 2-Dimensional Man On Tortellini Packaging (headline)

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’ (headline)

J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature (article)

Stranded Driver Kicking Self For Eating Entire Hitchhiker Before Getting Stuck In Snowstorm (article)

Man In Shower Sets Wet Band-Aid On Tub Edge To Throw Out In Few Months (Headline)

Bruce Springsteen Relishes Finally Telling Off Foreman After Catalog Sells For $500 Million (article)

Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way (article)

Report: Over 90,000 Americans Die Every Year From Living Way You Do (article and headline)

Employees Immediately Tune Out CEO’s Speech After He Mentions There Won’t Be Layoffs (headline)

‘And What Do You Want Me To Do, Brush Every Night?’ Snaps Jen Psaki At Dentist Suggesting She Could Improve Oral Hygiene (article)

Kim Jong-Un Eagerly Waiting For Inner Circle To Get Big Enough So He Can Start Executing People Again (article)

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Displays 43 Bullets Ringo Starr Took For John Lennon Before Mark David Chapman Caught Him Off Guard (article)

Office Workers Terrorized By Unhinged Ex-Employee Dropping In To Say Hi (headline)

‘Information About Your Upcoming Flight’ Email Informs Passenger That Airplane Will Go In Sky (article)

Climate Summit Sets Ambitious Goal To Phase Out Fossil Fuels By Time Earth Runs Out Of Them (article)

Here’s How To Score Your Free Xbox Series X Using Church’s Chicken 5-Piece Tenders Combo Promotion (article)

Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone (article)

Lowly 9-Year-Olds Gaze Longingly At Elite Few Chosen To Bowl In Birthday Boy’s Lane (article)

Unlikely Friendship: This Baby Xbox Is Best Friends With An N64 ‘WWF War Zone’ Cartridge (article)

Democrats Spooked By Loss In Virginia Vow To Work Twice As Hard To Muddle Their Agenda (article)

Evolution Definitively Proven As Scientists Capture First-Ever Footage Of Chimpanzee Transforming Into Human (headline)

Study Shows Tapping Cheek With Pointer Finger Still Number One Way To Get A Little Kiss (article)

Get Excited, ‘L.A. Noire’ Fans! This Guy Is Lying About Not Murdering Your Cousin! (article)

Breakthrough Renewable Energy Technology Enables Humans To Burn Wind For Fuel (article)

Thanksgiving Guests Freeze In Disbelief After Teenager Informs Them Of Native American Genocide (article)

Amazon To Let Warehouse Employees’ Families Work Thanksgiving Shifts Too (article)

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza' (direction and script editing)

Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way (article)

We Break Down Every Moment of The ‘Elden Ring’ Preview To Avoid A Conversation With Our Dad About End-Of-Life Care (article)

‘Squid Game’ Creator Voluntarily Returns To Netflix After Being Reminded Of What Life Like On Outside (article)

Theater-Loving Friend Crying For Different Reason Today (headline)

New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels (headline)

Frustrated God Rejected From Mensa Again (article)

Critics Hopeful That Success Of ‘Squid Game’ Will Mean More Opportunities For Things You Can Watch For Entertainment (article)

Nebraska Governor Announces Program To Help Lift Children Out Of Violent Cycle Of Corn Cults (headline)

Bannon Defies Subpoena On Grounds He Digesting Wild Boar Whole Over Next 6 Months (article)

Touching Tribute: This Video Game Is Dedicated To Some Person Named Emily (article)

Paramount Reveals ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ Features Tom Cruise Actually Bombing A Yemeni Village (article)

Thrift Store’s Bookshelf Has Some Pretty Solid PS2 Games (article)

Experts Warn Everything That Will Happen Between Now And November 2022 Could Spell Trouble For Democrats In Midterms (article)

Family Stands In Tense Silence As Dad Considers Menu Posted Outside Bistro (article)

Democrats Attempt To Woo Joe Manchin For Reconciliation Bill By Taping Single Hershey’s Kiss To Latest Draft (headline and article)

FDA Advisory Committee Meets To Discuss Hearty Autumn Soup Recipes (headline)

Man Honestly Better Off For Having Turned Self Over To Algorithms (article)

Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying (article)

GOP Stalls Government Funding Bill By Detonating 50 Tons Of Explosives Inside Capitol Building (article)

‘Bioshock’ Fans Will Love This: The Atlantic Ocean (article)

Ant Flees Across State Line Carrying Big Crumb (headline)

Media Announces They Will Not Stop Covering Afghanistan Until Biden Wears Scarf (headline and article)

Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard (headline)

Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead (headline)

Study Finds Murders Rose By Slower Rate In 2021 Thanks To The Brilliant Work Of Inspector Marcele Lachance (headline)

Man Growing Terrified Something Happened To Dad After Not Receiving ‘Only Murders In The Building’ Recommendation (headline)

Deal Alert: The Thumb Drive We Implanted Behind Your Left Eyeball Contains A ‘Psychonauts 2’ Download Code (article)

‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire (headline)

BP Launches Environmental Campaign Pledging To Clean Up Oil Polluting Earth’s Interior (article)

Nation Assures Kanye West They Don’t Care Enough About ‘Donda’ For Him To Be Stressing This Much (headline)

Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin (article)

Experts Say Torturing Animals In Adolescence Sign Child Will Become Factory Farm Owner (headline)

6-Year-Old Debating Whether To See ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy’ Following Negative ‘New York Times’ Review (headline and article)

Man At Wake Hopes There’s Picture Of Him With Dead Friend In Slideshow (article)

We’re Strapped for Content So Here’s Instructions On How To Bake Your Nintendo Switch Into An Apple Pie (article)

Rumsfeld Family Immediately Squabbling Over Who Will Inherit Mounted Heads Of Iraqi Civilians (headline)

‘If Men Got Them, It’s All We Would Hear About,’ Says Woman About Bob Haircuts (headline)

Pope Francis Urges World To Respect Every Person’s Beliefs About Pizza Toppings (article)

Kamala Harris Spends Day Putting Together Keynote Presentation Of Reasons She Deserves Raise (headline and article)

Coleslaw Portion So Generous Man Feels Like He’s Getting Away With Robbery (headline and article)

George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long (article)

Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan (article)

Dentist Thought Teeth In Movie Were Really Accurate (article)

Sacklers Forced To Pay Families Of OxyContin Victims $4.5 Billion In Opioids (headline)

Idiot Watching ‘Yellowjackets’ Weeks After It Would Have Helped Him In Casual Conversation (headline and article)

Boston Dynamics Dog Unstoppable At Puppy Bowl (headline)

Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown (headline)

Outdated Sex Ed Curriculum Still Teaches How Boyfriend’s Balls Could Explode If You Don’t Give Him Hand Job (headline and article)

Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs Making History Against Soul-Crushing Thought Of Spending Time With These People (article)

‘We Are Turning The Corner On The Coronavirus,’ Says Biden As Giant Looming Covid-19 Particle Touches Down On D.C. (headline and article)

Report: You Have Earned Enough OnionBucks To Purchase Virtual Gloves (headline)

Climate Report Finds Humanity’s Plot To Kill Off Emperor Penguin By Heating Planet Going Exactly As Planned (headline)

Study Finds Only 97% Of Eye Contact Sexual In Nature (headline)

Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden (headline)

‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday (headline and article)

Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Actually That Bad Or If Government Altered It (article)

Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts (article)

NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole (article)

NASA Says New Moon Mission Unlikely Since Neil Armstrong Only Person Who Knew How To Get There (article)

Experts Warn Heat Wave Could Lead To Huge Surge In Shirtless Italian Grandpas With Wet Washcloths On Head (headline)

Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows (headline)

Matador Clearly Just Projecting Own Insecurities About Having Red Cloth Waved At Him (article)

‘Stop! You Don’t Have To Do This!’ Whispers Tiny Voice In Head Of Man Clicking On Article About Michael B. Jordan’s Cultural Appropriation (headline)

Lorde Slammed And Condemned Because It Seems Like It’s About Time For That To Start (headline)

Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps (headline)

Psychiatrists Recommend Serial Killers Get Out Feelings With Taunting Letter To Investigators That They Never Send (article)

World’s Biggest ‘Avatar’ Fan Couldn’t Be More Excited About ‘Frontiers Of Pandora’ Announcement (headline and article)

Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out (headline)

Biden Offers Infrastructure Concession By Partially Demolishing Brooklyn Bridge (article)

‘And Most Of All, Thank You For Teaching Us How To Love,’ Conclude Teary-Eyed Afghani Populace Waving Farewell To U.S. Troops (headline)

‘I Guess I’d Watch Another,’ Says Woman Unaware Boyfriend Died On Couch 4 Episodes Ago (headline)

New Initiative Helps Young Girls Gain Confidence By Teaching Them To Melt Human Beings With Sonic Mind Blasts (headline)

Reporter Who Found 3 Angry Tweets About Issue Guesses That’s An Article Right There (headline and article)

Experts Say Best Depression Treatment Remains Having Coal-Covered Street Urchins Sing About Dancing Troubles Away (headline)

‘Anyone See ‘Ted Lasso’?’ Biden Asks World Leaders, Trying To Steer Conversation Away From Depressing Topic Like Climate Change (article)

Bernie Madoff, Just Some Mook Who Got Played Like Anyone Else, Dead At 82 (headline)

Report: Huh, Interesting Choice For An Outfit Today (headline)

Nation Glad They Could Spend $450 Million For Astronaut To Have Little Epiphany About Humanity’s Place In Universe (headline)

Wildebeest Mother Blasts ‘Our Planet’ Producer Who Just Stood By While Jackal Ate Her Daughter (headline)

Report Suggests Union Support Would Surge If Every Member Got One Of Those Sharp-Looking Teamster Bomber Jackets (headline)

New Journals Reveal Darwin’s Observations Began As Research For Finch-Based Fantasy Series (headline and article)

Man Living In Most Affluent Country In World History Has Nerve To Complain About Being Homeless (headline)

Serious Eats Criticized For Origins As Website To Rate Hotness Of Root Vegetables (headline)

Relationship Experts Recommend Putting Spark Back In Marriage By Letting Them Watch (headline and article)

Entenmanntologist Pins Rare Raspberry Crème-Filled Pop’ette To Display Under Glass (headline)

BTS Thanks Horrifyingly Exploitative System That Got Them Where They Are Today (article)

New Technology Allows Police To See What Suspects Would Look Like Riding Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster (headline)

Secret Service Worry Major Biden’s Behavior Influenced By Time Spent On Far-Right Dog Forums (headline)

Area Man Been Thinking About You A Lot Lately (headline)

Nation’s Monster Truck Rally Organizers Vow To Crush 100% Electric Cars By 2030 (article)

Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades (article)

Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right (headline)

Ford CEO Launches Electric Vehicle Push By Having Buddy Stand Watch While He Steals Battery From Parked Prius (headline)

End Of An Era: Sony Just Announced They’re Stopping Production Of The PS5 (headline)

‘We Must Act Now To Save Our Civilization,’ Says Melting King Of Glacieria During U.N. Address (headline)

‘Find The Traitor And Crush Him,’ Announces Bill Belichick To Monstrous Linebackers Birthed From Foxborough Mud Pits (article)

Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’ (headline)

Vilsack Stuns At Inauguration In 6-Foot-Tall Husk Of Corn (headline)

Stray Doberman Accidentally Sworn In As President After Putting Paw On Inaugural Bible (headline)

Crowd Politely Cheers Along As Pat Toomey’s Senate Jazz Combo Plays Opening Set At Inauguration (headline and article)

Supporters Waltz With Cutouts Of Biden, Harris During Socially Distanced Inaugural Ball (headline)

Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It (headline)

Needles Rain From Ceiling Of FDA Headquarters In Celebration Of Vaccine Approval (headline)

Study: Christmas Still Most Unoriginal Day To Commit Suicide (article)

The Onion Reviews ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ (direction)

Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less Hectic (headline)

‘Jeopardy!’ Producers Regretting Making Every Answer Of Memorial Episode ‘Alex Trebek’ (headline)

‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark Souls II’ (headline and article)

Staff Slowly Introducing Biden To Oval-Shaped Rooms For Smoother Transition To White House (article)

New Report Finds Computers Actually Outpaced Human Intelligence Back With Commodore 64 (headline and article)

The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry (headline and article)

Food Critic Has Late Night Hankering For Liquid Nitrogen-Frozen Raviolo Balloon (headline and article)

Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant (headline)

Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities Too (headline and article)

Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle (headline and article)

Report: Nothing Could Go Wrong On A Day As Beautiful As This (article)

Asshole Monk Hogging Meditation Spot Under Waterfall For Whole Hour Now (article)

Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden (article)

Nation’s Bashful Sources: ‘…’ (headline)

Study Finds 87% Of Chinese Takeout Eaten By Team Of Prosecutors Embroiled In Late-Night Investigation (headline)

Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years (headline)

Debate Moderator Steve Harvey Asks Trump, Biden To Name Something Americans Find Hair Growing From As They Age (headline)

Man Assures Friend Watching ‘The Flintstones’ Series That He Just Has To Stick With It Through J.L. Gotrocks Arc (headline)

New SVEN Initiative To Help Young Girls Become Swedish Scientists Who Ski Snowy Slopes (headline and article)

Self-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailant’s Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don’t Care Whether You Live Or Die (headline)

The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’ (concept and direction)

Economists Warn Americans That Money Withering To Ash In Their Hands Could Be Sign Of Recession (headline)

‘And After The 100-Foot-Tall Spiders Destroy The Cities, They’ll Come For The Suburbs!’ Screams Terrified Giuliani In RNC Speech (headline)

Clearing Overgrowth From Around His Headstone And 10 Other Fun Date Ideas For You And Your Deceased Husband (headline)

Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others (headline)

Conservatives Warn Radical Kamala Harris Will Impose Her Christian Beliefs On American Populace (headline)

Study Suggests Latte Art Could Represent Primitive Attempt By Barista To Communicate (headline)

Gamers, Please Give Us A Minute, We’re On The Phone With Ganondorf And It Sounds Like His Dad Was Hospitalized (article)

‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat (headline)

Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’ (headline)

Deal Alert: Kill This Man With Your Bare Hands And We Will Give You A Copy Of ‘Brute Force’ For Xbox (headline and article)

‘It Wasn’t The First Birthday We Imagined, But We Spent The Day Surrounded By Love,’ Begins Elegant Tapestry Of Fabricated Embellishments (headline)

Gentle Whisper Of Wind Through Willows, Dappling Of Sunlight Upon Leaves Unsure What More They Have To Do To Make Dipshit Look Up From Phone (headline)

Ominous Musical Cue Clarifies Audience Supposed To Be Frightened Of Blood-Splattered Man With Pickaxe (headline)

Record 7% Of Birthday Cake Slice Makes It Into Grandmother’s Mouth (headline)

‘Heeeeeeeeeurgghhhh,’ Wheezes Bob Dylan In Delight After Hearing Positive Reviews For Latest Album (headline)

So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s Drunk (headline)

Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List Celebrity (headline)

‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship (headline)

Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans (headline)

Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void (headline)

NASA To Rename Building In Honor of ‘Hidden Figures’ Actress Octavia Spencer (article)

‘Remember, You Are Mortal,’ Advisor Says To Garland-Covered Water Reclamation Supervisor During Swearing-In Ceremony (headline)

New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With Taste For The Exotic (headline)

Manipulative Stepmom Only Married Dad So She Could Take Care Of Him Into Old Age (headline)

NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 (headline)

TV Critic Struggling To Explain Appeal Of Watching Television To Average American (headline)

Sorry Gamers: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again Because Naughty Dog’s Headquarters Fell Into The Ocean (headline and article)

Authorities Arrest 15,000 At FugitiveCon 2020 (headline)

Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders (headline)

God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95 (headline and article)

Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band (headline and article)

Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage In Meaningful Dialogue (headline)

Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie (headline)

Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times (headline)

Idiotic Squirrel With Acorn Runs Away From Man As If He Doesn’t Get To Eat All The Nuts He Wants (headline)

Reform ‘Fifty Shades’ Reader Doesn’t Think Christian And Ana Literally Indulged In Bladder Control Fetish, But Derives Meaning From Story Nonetheless (headline)

Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election (headline)

Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Dog That Swears And Smokes Cigarettes (headline and article)

Breaking: Mama! (headline)

Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film (headline)

Study Links High Standardized Test Scores To Being 45-Year-Old Man In Propeller Hat Pretending To Be Fifth-Grader (headline)

The Onion Reviews ‘Onward’ (direction)

Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends (headline)

NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 (article)

Undaunted Sanders Supporters Announce They’ll Continue Presidential Campaign Without Candidate (article)

10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games (article)

God Pins Up Hunky Shot Of Mesopotamian Hunting Deity As Inspiration To Start Working Out (headline)

Republicans Ridicule Democrats For Caring As Little About Sexual Assault As They Do (headline)

Pizza Placed In Frozen Slumber Until Time World Needs It Most (headline)

Man Feels Like He Gets Gist Of Enlightenment After First Few Minutes Of Hearing Zen Monk Talk (headline)

BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Headquarters (headline)

Study Finds Skin Melting Off Your Hands Revealing Bones Beneath Best Indication You’re About To Have A Bad Trip (headline)

Kansas Unveils $1.5 Million, 50,000-Square-Mile ‘Bless This Mess’ Border Mat (headline)

Complete Bullshit: Designers Of This Online Shooter Made It So This Guy Died Even Though He Totally Ducked (headline)

Marriott CEO Tells Investors He’s Had A Good First Quarter In Terms Of His Personal Life (headline)

Confused Primitive Extraterrestrial Shrugs, Take Huge Bite Of Golden Record (headline)

Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is (headline and article)

Study Finds ‘Auld Lang Syne’ Good Enough Song To Be Belted Out On Other Occasions, Too (headline)

Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’ (headline)

Report: Mary Grace, Get Your Ass Back Inside This Goddamn Instant (headline)

Man Can’t Wait For Quarantine To End So He Can Finally Take Shower Again (headline)

Inspiring: CD Projekt Red To Immortalize Programmers Who Died Making ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ As NPCs So They Can Serve CD Projekt Forever (headline)

BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her (headline)

Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool (headline)

‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’ (headline)

Report: PlayStation 5 Has Already Been Out In Japan For, Like, 20 Years (headline)

Weather Channel Correspondent Paddling Boat Through Melted Sidewalk To Show Off Extent Of Heat Wave (headline)

Study: Chris Martin Probably Cried When He Wrote ‘Fix You’ (headline)

Chuck Grassley Accidentally Lies In State For Few Hours After Drifting Off In Capitol Rotunda (headline)

EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe (headline)

J.D. Power And Associates Name 4 Muscular Men Carrying You Everywhere As Best Vehicle In Class (headline)

CD Projekt Red Says They’ve Eliminated The Need For Crunch On ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ By Breeding Grotesque Human-Rat Hybrid Programmers (headline)

Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire (headline and article)

Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice (headline)

After Much Thought, OGN Has Decided To Update Our Review Of ‘Banjo-Kazooie’ From A 9.7 To A 9.6 (headline)

We Imprison Hideo Kojima In An Interview Room Until He Breaks Down And Admits He’s Just Making Shit Up As He Goes Along (headline)

Study Finds Most Effective Method Of Overcoming Procrastination Having Overseer Beat You Whenever You Stop Working (headline)

Teenager Walks 30 Feet Ahead So Onlookers Don’t Think He’s In Florence With His Parents (headline)

Deal Alert: A Beluga Whale Beached Itself With A Stomach Full Of Classic N64 Cartridges (article)

‘Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,’ Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket (headline)

Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch Magic (headline)

‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming (headline)

Aging Mother Threatens To Get Some Sperm And Shoot It In Daughter’s Womb Herself If She Doesn't Hurry The Fuck Up (headline)

God Fucking Damnit, Live-In Maid Sorted Satins And Cottons Together Again (headline)

Justin Trudeau Explains Deep Spiritual Significance Of Oil Pipelines Through Indigenous Lands (headline)

MIT Researchers Make Breakthrough On Marionette Strings That Allow Paralyzed Man To Walk (headline)

Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Believe In Snoopy (headline)

Music Buff Pissed ‘Come Josephine In My Flying Machine’ Left Off Pitchfork’s ‘Best Of The 1910s’ List (headline)

Mark Zuckerberg Announces All Of Facebook’s Future Decisions Will Be Made By The Cube Of Justice (headline)

‘Oh Goddamnit,’ Says Pete Buttigieg After Realizing None Of Opponents Dressed Up For Pre-Halloween Debate (headline)

Vindman Says Ukraine Transcript Left Out Lengthy Sections Of Trump Bragging About Time He Was In Pizza Hut Commercial (headline)

Man Who Has Not Owned Console Since 2009 Thoughtfully Scans Fifth ‘Death Stranding’ Review Of Day (headline)

‘Someone’s In Here!’ Says Man In Restroom Asserting Own Existence For First Time In Months (headline)

Man Spends Hours Surfing Internet Rather Than Dealing With Real Pressing Issues In ‘Harvest Moon: Light Of Hope’ (headline)

Coworker Apparently Just Going To Stare At Lunch In Microwave For Entire 3-Minute Cook Time (headline)

Officials Say Outbreak Of Australian Wildfire May Have Spread From Engulfed Passenger Traveling From U.S. (headline)

Cocky Atom That Started Out In Cosmos-Shattering Supernova Reduced To Humble Role In Urine Puddle (headline)

‘Reflationary Boom Incapable Of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery,’ Announces Finance Article That Actually About Your Entire Savings Being Wiped Out (headline)

Full Trump Transcript Includes 37 Pages Of Confused President Mashing Fingers Against Dial Pad While Ukrainian President Tries To Speak (headline)

Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master (headline)

‘Just Be Honest If This Looks Good,’ Girlfriend Wearing New Big Bird Outfit Asks Panicking Boyfriend (headline)

Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement (headline)

Area Man Has Little Present For You (headline)

A Life Unfinished: Stephen Hawking’s Estate Just Revealed The Genius Astrophysicist Died With Only 91% Completion For ‘The Witcher 3’ (headline)

Pathetic Man Cries When He’s Upset Rather Than Screaming At 3-Year-Old Son To Shut The Fuck Up (headline)

Microsoft Unveils New 40-Story-Tall Brutalist Xbox Series X (headline)

God Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel Fresco (article)

Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’ (headline)

National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’ (headline)

Mom Scolds Child For Pointing At Homeless Man Instead Of Ignoring His Very Existence (headline)

Study Finds They Just Don’t Make ’Em Like Ginger Rogers Anymore (headline)

The Onion Reviews ‘Pet Sematary’ (headline)

‘I Don’t Like The Look Of This,’ Says Astronaut Entering Flickering, Ooze-Covered Abandoned Section Of ISS (headline)

Tim Schafer Gives OGN An Exclusive Preview Of Psychonauts 2’s Legal Disclaimer Screen (headline and article)

‘Ooh, Right In The Bean Bag,’ Says Wincing Surgeon Through Every Step Of Vasectomy (headline)

Gamers Rejoice: Here Is The Word ‘Japan’ (headline and article)

‘Game Of Thrones’ Actors Reveal Reading Script For Zombie Battle And Realizing They Wasted Careers (headline)

We Interview Shigeru Miyamoto About How Watching A Giant Ape Beat His Father To Death With A Barrel Inspired ‘Donkey Kong’ (headline)

After Decades As A Print-Only Publication, Onion Gamers Network Has Decided That The Internet Is The Future Of Video Game Journalism (headline and article)

Jay Inslee Smashes Through Wall Of Town Hall In Solar-Powered Mech Suit To Announce Climate Change Plan (headline)

‘Cyberpunk 2077’: The Sprawling Sci-Fi RPG Shows Real Promise, But I Can’t Give A Full Appraisal After Only 1,500 Hours Of Play Time (headline)

BREAKING: Situation Worsens In Venezuela, Bolivia, U.S., Japan, Mexico, Iraq, Spain (headline)

Distraught Man Still Finding Painful Reminders Of Long-Gone Hoagie Around Apartment (headline)

Why I’m So Excited About ‘Gears 5’: I Have A Severe Glandular Disorder That Makes It Impossible For Me Not To Feel This Way (headline)

Struggling Rainforest Cafe Adds Thousands Of Animatronic Patrons To Restaurants (headline)

Report: Trying To Hug Oncoming Train Still Leading Cause Of Death For Nation’s Idiots (headline)

Michael Bennet Quietly Asks Aide If Polling At N/A Is Good Or Bad (headline)

The Onion Reviews ‘Toy Story 4’ (concept and directing)

Turkish Restaurant Thrown Into Complete Disarray By Entry Of Single Customer (headline)

Nation’s Men Holding Acoustic Guitars Announce Plan To Idly Strum While You Try To Talk To Them (headline)

EPA Reveals 37% Of Water Waste Nationwide Caused By Husky Kids Doing Cannonball Into Country Club Pool (headline)

I Guess I’m Only Tough On Stains Because My Dad Was So Tough On Me (headline)

Man Entering Fog Of Insanity Asked If This His First Time At Dave & Buster’s (headline)

National Friends Alliance Vigorously Defends Right To Have Great Time Palling Around With Buddies (headline)

Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper (headline)

Washing Machine Loses Man’s Trust (headline)

Humiliated Baboon Unable To Keep Ass Swollen In Front Of Mate (headline)

2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk (headline)

Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini (headline)

Nation Still Outraged 1933 Best Picture Went To ‘Cavalcade’ Instead Of ‘Lady For A Day’ (headline)

Teen’s Natural Drive To Murder Sexual Rivals Successfully Channeled Into ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Victory (headline)

NASA Frantically Announces Mission To Earth’s Core After Accidentally Launching Rocket Upside Down (headline and article)

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb (headline)

Pope Francis: ‘Jesus—I Get Molesting Kids, But Nuns Too?’ (headline)

Homicide Detective Wishes He Could Go One Case Without Having To Solve Elaborate Riddle (article)

Study: 30% Of People Who Quit Smoking Relapse After Shakily Raising Cigarette Up To Lips When Agreeing To Turn State’s Evidence (headline)

Teen Weirded Out After Running Over English Teacher Outside Of School (headline)

Man’s Wife Dies Of Cancer Just Like In The Movies (headline)

Southern Poverty Law Center Admits They Have No Idea How Dannon Yogurt Company Got On Annual List Of Hate Groups (article)

Weak-Willed Intellectual Infant Checks To See How Many More Pages Left In Book Chapter (headline)

Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job (headline)

Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata (headline)

Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think (headline)

Ho, Ho, Ho! Send Me $100 Billion By Christmas Or I Will Detonate A Dirty Bomb In 5 Major Cities! (article)

Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life (headline)

IBM Closes Jew-Tracking Division After Decades Of Declining Revenue (headline)

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby (headline)

Dave Matthews Band Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds Of Human Shit Onto Same Boat Full Of People (article)

Moon Now Overrun With Cane Toads After Species Accidentally Introduced Into Environment During Apollo 17 Mission (article)

Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude (headline)

Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others (headline)

Report Finds J. Geils Band’s ‘Centerfold’ Will Outlast You And All That You Create In This Life (headline)

The Onion Looks Back At ‘The Blair Witch Project’ (direction and script editing)

The Onion Looks Back At ‘Saw’ (direction and script editing)

Man Doesn’t Get Why People Waste Money On Therapist When They Could Just Emotionally Crush Girlfriend (headline)

CDC Introduces ‘Raw Dog’ The STI Pup To Educate Children About The Dangers Of Unprotected Sex (article)

Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined (headline)

Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls (headline)

Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay (headline)

‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation (headline)

Study Finds Placing One Foot Forward, Then The Other, Remains Best Method Of Walking (headline)

Report: Just 2 More Days And You Can Forget All Of This, Vanish Into ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ (headline)

Poll Finds Americans Still Fiercely Divided Along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë Lines (headline)

Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation (headline)

Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence To Throw Support Behind Restoring Shōgun To Throne Of Japan (headline)

Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award (headline)

Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’ (headline)

The Onion Looks Back At ‘Saw’ (direction and script editing)

Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement (headline)

Report: Make It Stop (headline)

Area Man Fantasized About For One And Only Time In His Life (headline)

Literary Theorists Admit They Still Have No Idea What Animal Farm About (headline)

Man Who Has Clocked 137 Hours In RPG Can’t Believe He Has To Waste Precious Time Watching Cutscenes (headline)

Woman Informs Husband That He Made New Friend (headline and article)

‘There Are Things That Exist Which Are Not Good,’ Says Obama In Stunning Rebuke Of Trump (headline)

Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive (headline)

Total Idiot Resorting To Tribalism Decades Before Climate Catastrophe Makes It Necessary (headline)

Beloved Father And Infrequent Pornography User Loses 3-Year Battle With Cancer (headline)

Minotaur Wondering If There More To Life Than Bashing In Heads Of Those Who Dare Wander Into Labyrinth (headline)

The Onion Reviews ‘Mission: Impossible – Fallout’ (direction)

Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic (headline and article)

The Onion Reviews ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again’ (concept and direction)

Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’ (headline)

The Onion Reviews ‘Christopher Robin’ (concept and direction)

Praying Mantis Hesitantly Agrees To Try Girlfriend’s Sexual Fantasy Of Eating His Head During Intercourse (article)

Report Finds Poor Often Hit Hardest By 18-Wheelers (headline)

New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Teaser Shows Cackling, Power-Mad George R.R. Martin Burning Completed ‘Winds Of Winter’ Manuscript (headline)

Researchers No Closer To Understanding What The Fuck You’re Talking About (headline)

American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’ (headline)

Newly Unearthed Journals Reveal J. Robert Oppenheimer Annoyed Trinity Test Researchers By Quoting ‘Bhagavad Gita’ Every Time They Did Anything (headline)

Nation Shudders To Think How Bad Things Would Seem If They Didn’t Have Access To A Never-Ending Torrent Of Free Pornography (headline)

Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice (headline)

World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast (headline)

NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There (headline)

Ice In Urinal Just Cherry On Top For Man Who Came To Club To Drink Piss (headline)

Study Finds That All The Worst People Will Outlive You (headline)

Caterpillar In Pupal Stage For Past 3 Months Going To Be Pissed If It Turns Out To Be Moth (headline)

Courageous Heterosexual Has Never Donated Blood To Red Cross In Solidarity With Gay Men (headline)

Mueller Scrambling After Accidentally Spilling Whole Big Gulp All Over Russia Evidence (headline)

Report Finds Letting Stranger Bum Cigarette Sole Act Of Human Compassion Still In Practice (headline)

New Report Finds Fastest-Rising Cause Of Death In U.S. Is Losing Chess Match To Grim Reaper (headline)

Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‘Naked Women’ Into Yahoo Images Search Bar (headline)

Report: Make It Stop (headline)

Report: Ants Having Some Kind Of Party Inside Crack In Pavement (headline)

I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of Gold (headline and article)

Mark Zuckerberg Recalls Coming Up With Idea For Facebook After Seeing Dopamine-Addicted Lab Rat Starve To Death (headline)

E3 Organizers Cancel Convention After Discovering Immersive Power Of Literature (headline)

Hideo Kojima Says New Experimental Video Game Will Consist Entirely Of 2-Hour-Long Cutscene (headline)

Couple Fucking At Next Table Obviously On Third Date (headline)

Legendary Reclusive Author Has Never Published Single Piece Of Writing (headline)

Report: Universe To End Next Friday (headline)

New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart (headline)

New Historical Drama Just 90 Minutes Of Woman Holding Up Petticoats While Running Through Open Field (article)

Report Suggests Stalin Was Just One Great Purge Away From Creating Communist Utopia (headline)

‘We Can Have Differences Of Opinion And Still Respect Each Other,’ Says Betrayer Of The One True Cause (headline)

Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office (headline)

God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash (headline)

Study Finds 87% Of Knowledge About Nation Comes From Side Of U-Haul Trucks (headline)

Funeral Attendees Getting Misty-Eyed During First Dance With Corpse (headline)

In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President (article)

New Fad Diet Requires You To Stop Eating For A Full Five Minutes A Day (headline)

Report: All The Other Races Coming To Take Your Stuff (headline)

Supercuts CEO Apologizes For Number Of Customers Scalped Every Month (headline)

Report: John Grisham Slowly But Surely Climbing List Of Greatest Living American Authors (headline)

Study Reveals 93% Of Americans Don’t Know Their Congressperson Truly, Utterly, The Way Only Two Souls Entwined Can (headline)

Depressed Businessman Takes 16 Power Naps A Day (headline)

Man In Political Argument Clearly Just Regurgitating Monologue From ‘Henry V’ (article)

18-To-35 White, Male Demographic Still Searching For Perfect Way To Quench Its Thirst (headline)

Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy (headline)

Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To Crown (headline)

Bolton: ‘We Will Not Be Drawn Into A Lengthy Ground War In Syria—Although, Saying It Out Loud, That Sounds Incredible’ (headline)

Aides Trying To Talk Trump Out Of Sending Associates To Break Into Watergate Office Complex (headline)

Report: God Directly Communicating With You Through This Headline (headline)

TempuraPedic Unveils New Line Of Extra-Crispy, Deep-Fried Mattresses (headline)

Fans Excited As ‘Solo’ Trailer Sheds Light On Specifically How It Will Suck (headline)

NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun (headline)

Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation (headline)

Report: Video Games Will Never Be Art (SUB: ‘They Are Little Diversions That Children Play,’ Experts Say) (headline)

‘I Don’t Fit Into Any Of Corporate America’s Little Boxes,’ Says Single, 18-To-36-Year-Old Hispanic Female With Brand Loyalty To Tom’s, Chobani (headline)

George Thorogood Fan Disgusted To Learn Musician Licensed ‘Bad To The Bone’ For Commercial Purposes (headline)

Man Constantly Blaming His Problems On Fact That He’s On Fire (headline)

Employee Leaving Company Unsure How To Break It To Coworkers Who Don’t Really Care Whether He Lives Or Dies (headline)

Jonathan Safran Foer Guesses It’s Time To Give Up On Silly Little Dream Of Becoming Good Writer (headline)

Grumblethor The Mischievous Pleased With Mayhem His Magical Antics Have Wrought Upon White House–FBI Relations (headline)

Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time (headline)

‘My God, I’ve Discovered The Missing Link In The Russia Investigation,’ Think 379,000 Reddit Users Simultaneously (headline)

Audience Left Wondering What Happened After Action Film Pans From Character To Shot Of Blood Spattering Against Wall (headline)

Man Passes Away Surrounded By Knife-Wielding Loved Ones (article)

Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party (article)

Fetid, Shit-Covered Elon Musk Announces Plan To Revolutionize Nation's Sewage System (headline)

Report: It Not Hard At All To Imagine Your Coworkers’ Supple, Nude Bodies (headline)

Report: It Would Probably Be Nice Having Friends (headline)

UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Finally Confirmed There Were No Survivors In The Challenger Disaster (headline)

Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once (headline)

Sci-Fi Film Presents Vision Of Future In Which Women Never Speak To Each Other (headline)

Björk Spotted Leaving Nightclub With Mysterious Firefly Trapped Inside Bubble (article)

Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom (headline)

Study: 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub (headline)

Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community (headline)

Man Who Forgot To Buy Valentine's Day Gift Relieved To Remember Wife Passed Away Years Ago (headline)

The Onion Reviews: Fifty Shades Freed (concept, script editing, and direction)

Report: Make It Stop (SUB: Please, Just Make It Stop) (headline)

Female Barista Getting A Lot Better At Avoiding Touching Male Patrons’ Hands When They Pay (headline)

Man Who Has Clocked 137 Hours In RPG Can’t Believe He Has To Waste Precious Time Watching Cutscenes (headline)

Study Reveals Lobsters Feel Pain And Get Off On It Like The Kinky Little Perverts They Are (headline and article)

Man Wishes Women In Crowded Bar Would Let Him Read Jane Austen Novel In Peace (headline and article)

Tearful Elon Musk Warns About Dangers Of AI After Having Heart Broken By Beautiful Robotrix (headline)

Researchers Say That First Warning Sign Of Alcoholism Generally Driving Over Curb, Plowing Through Fire Hydrant, And Crashing Into Aquarium (headline and article)

AI Scientists Theorize Existence Of Numbers Greater Than 1 (headline)

Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You (headline)

Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall (article)

The Onion Reviews 'Coco' (concept, script editing, and direction)

‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting (headline)

Chicago Announces New Tax Breaks To Attract Major New York, LA Shootings (headline)

Donna Brazile Says Hillary Rodham Clinton High Palace Of The Solar Order Was Almost Like A Cult (headline)

Swollen Rex Tillerson Spotted Rushing To Place Mouth Over Leaks Spouting In Keystone Pipeline (headline)

George R.R. Martin Announces Next Book To Feature Pixies, Dracula (SUB: ‘Fuck You,’ Bestselling Author Tells Readers) (headline and article)

Report: Only 3% Of Conversations Actually Need To Happen (headline)

Being Elected President And Then Assassinated: Could It Happen To You? (headline)

Report: Album As Good As ‘Sgt. Pepper’ Comes Out About Once Every Month (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'The Last Jedi' (script editing and direction)

Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam (article)

Stepson Absolutely Nailing Jeopardy Category About Third Reich (headline)

Study Finds Chickens Would Have No Qualms About Caging, Eating Humans (headline)

10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone (headline)

Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man (headline)

Report: 83% Of Player Pianos Set Off By Gunfight (headline)

Unpatriotic Man Does Not Maintain Erection During National Anthem (headline)

Flynn Pleads Guilty To Lying To FBI, But, Worst Of All, Lying To Himself (headline)

Blissed-Out, Hemp-Wearing Sean Spicer Assures Reince Priebus This The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Him (headline)

Bon Appetit Denies Allegations That They Responsible For Millions Of Pro-Quiche Twitter Bots (headline)

Funeral Director Assures Jewish Family This Headstone Can Withstand Plenty Of Blows From Baseball Bat (headline)

Disturbingly Deep Voice Emanates From Minnie Mouse Costume (headline)

Nation Gets Really Tired All Of A Sudden (article)

'No, No, Dear God No,' Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball (article)

Poll Finds Declining Number Of Americans Believe They God (headline)

Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder (article)

Aides Say Bannon Was Not On The Record When He Issued Deafening, Atonal Howl That Caused Journalist's Skull To Explode (headline)

Panicked John Kelly Ushers Half-Naked Trump Away From Podium As President Shouts Support For Eugenics (headline)

''You Deserve Better Than The Person You're Dating,' Reports Little Voice In Back Of Mind (headline)

Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman's Dress Size 92% Of Time (article)

Hillary Clinton Opens New Presidential Library Charting Course Of Purely Theoretical Tenure As Commander In Chief (headline)

Disgusted Robert Mueller Eats 2 20-Piece Chicken McNugget Meals In One Sitting In Attempt To Get Into Trump's Mind (headline)

Report Finds Koch Brothers Increasingly Falling Under Control Of Influential, High-Powered Trillionaire (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power' (direction)

Kushner: 'I Did Not Collude, But I Pretty Much Have To Say That, Right?' (headline)

God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru (SUB: 'He'll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,' Say Concerned Heavenly Sources) (headline)

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home (headline)

New MIT Study Suggests Sonic The Hedgehog Might Be Living In Computer Simulation (headline)

Gaunt, Sickly Kirby Takes Leave Of Absence From Video Games Following Stomach Cancer Diagnosis (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'Spider-Man: Homecoming' (direction)

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It (SUB: 'You're Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,' Says CEO) (headline)

Lovebird Windshield Wipers Gleefully Chasing Each Other Through Rain (headline)

Study Finds Only 1 In 3 Lasik Surgeries End In Laser Boring Through Eye, Incinerating Brain, Shooting Through Skull On Other Side (headline)

Secretary Of Interior Announces $400 Million Initiative To Preserve Self For Future Generations To Enjoy (headline)

Barber Not Even Excited Anymore By Bringing Home Free Bags Of Hair At End Of Day (headline)

Harley-Davidson Releases New Motorcycle Designed For Men (headline)

Camp Counselor Assigning Kids To Horses Like Wise Town Matchmaker Presiding Over Marriage (article)

Employees From Other Department Announce Plan To Ramble On About Fucking Nothing Right Next To Your Desk (headline)

Veteran Given Hero's Welcome Back To Afghanistan (headline)

''This Here Is Probably Our Bestselling Love Seat,' Says Man Who Would Have Been Powerful, Revered Warrior 4,000 Years Ago (headline)

New Study Finds Best Way To Determine If You Are Android Still Cutting Open Forearm To Reveal Circuitry Within (headline)

Man Pulling On Loose Hangnail Slowly Unravels Skin From Entire Body (headline)

J.Crew Debuts New Line Of Stylish Casualwear For Mannequins (headline)

Woman Hopes Husband Doesn't Notice She Lost Wedding Ring Finger Over Weekend (headline)

Marriage Counselor Encourages Woman To Take On Numerous Sexual Partners While Husband At Work (SUB: 'Let's Just See How It Goes Before Sharing Grievances,' Advises Relationship Expert) (article)

Obama Sends Publisher Collection Of Pages For Presidential Graphic Novel (article)

Washington Post Reporter Frustrated Every Space In Parking Garage Taken Up By Anonymous Source (headline)

Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation's Snack Food Purchases (headline)

Trump: 'I Am A Very Stupid Human Being (headline)

Whippoorwill Has Had Same 3-Note Song Stuck In Head For Entire Life (headline)

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking (SUB: 'She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,' Says Man) (headline)

Network Engineer Would Be Systems Manager If He Could Do It All Over Again (article)

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band (SUB: 'Moonbeam Sunday' Slated For Release On June 16) (headline)

Skilled Sotheby's Auctioneer Accidentally Sells Self At Auction For $2.5 Million (headline)

Bo Obama Issues First Public Bark Since Leaving White House (headline)

David Crosby Shows Photo Of Dwarven Blacksmith To Barber To Give Idea Of What He Wants (headline)

Scientists Make Discovery About World's Silt Deposits But Understand If You Aren't Interested In That (SUB: 'We're Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn't For Everyone,' Say Geologists) (headline and article)

Sometimes It Feels Like I'm In Prison Too, But Then I Go Home (headline and article)

Francis Ford Coppola Reveals Every ''Godfather' Film Took Place In Same Narrative World (headline)

Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub (headline)

Couple's Fucked-Up Presex Ritual Involves Tucking Both Kids Into Bed (headline)

Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night (headline)

We Pitched Warren Buffett On A Photoshoot Where He's Bathing Nude In This Tub Full Of Buffalo Nickels, And He Politely Declined (article)

Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They've All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns (headline and article)

Report: Nothing Wrong With A Good Old-Fashioned Ham And Cheese Sandwich (headline and article)

CERN Researchers Apologize For Destruction Of 5 Parallel Universes In Recent Experiment (headline)

New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time (headline)

New Office Manager Provides Terrifying Glimpse Into Plans For Regime By Placing New Collection Of Teas In Drawer (headline)

Man Who Skipped Airport's Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He's Been (headline)

Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants (article)

Beauty Industry Exec Keeps Photo Of Crying 15-Year-Old Girl On Desk To Remind Himself Why He Does This (headline)

Friend Of Bruce Springsteen Has Been Thinking Of Excuses To Avoid Checking Out His Band For 50 Years (article)

DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies (article)

Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain (article)

Yellowstone Places Old Faithful On 6-Month Loan To Acadia National Park (headline)

Study Finds 73% Of Marble Statuettes Of Achilles Used To Beat To Death Wealthy Dowager (headline)

Salad Suppliers Pledge To Continue Including Just Enough In Bag That Some Will Go Bad If You're Single (headline and article)

Jake Hyland Of Kansas City, MO Chosen As Nation's Designated Survivor In Case Rest Of Country Wiped Out During Presidential Address (article)

The Onion Reviews 'La La Land' (direction)

Daily Meditation Really Helping Man Stay Self-Centered (headline)

Humiliated Man Discovers Embroidery On His Jean Pockets (headline)

Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump's Psyche (article)

Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn't Inquire About The Businesses, For He's Sworn Not To Tell (SUB: 'You Shan't Ask Me About Our Shops, Papa, For I Am Forbidden To Say!' Chides President's Son) (article)

Report: That Was Very Stupid Thing To Say (article)

Radiator Saving Single Loudest Clank For 3:32 A.M. (headline)

Lab Mouse Nervous For First Day Of New Job Getting Cancer (article)

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House (SUB: 'Go On Now, Git,' Says Former President) (article)

Climate Experts Say Only Hope For Saving Planet Lies With People Who Save Napkins From Takeout Order (article)

The Onion Looks Back At 'Die Hard' (direction)

The Onion Reviews 'Rogue One' (direction and concept)

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms (headline)

Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player (article)

Eagle_Warrior_1776 Horrified To Discover Its Entire Life A Sham Created By Russians To Tilt U.S. Election (SUB: 'Who Am I? What Am I?' Asks Shocked Twitter Bot) (headline)

Frustrated Man Forced To Agree With Dumbass Political Cartoon Of Statue Of Liberty Hugging Immigrants (headline and article)

Longtime Reader Of Lib-Slaves.info Sick Of Mainstream Bias On Sites Like WideAwakePatriot.com (headline)

Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of 'Rurouni Kenshin' Manga (headline and article)

Area Man Considers Self Ally To Women Unless They Threaten His Status In Literally Any Way (headline)

The Onion Looks Back At 'Beauty And The Beast' (direction and concept)

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes (SUB: 'Nope, Looks Like It's All Good Here,' Says FBI Director) (headline)

''Donald Trump Is The 45th President Of The United States,' Spontaneously Reports Subconscious During First Calm Moment Of Day (article)

Millions Gather Under Times Square Countdown Clock To Celebrate End Of 2016 Election (article)

Disappointed First-Time Voter Thought He Was Going To Get To Pull Big Lever (headline)

Clinton Staff Readies EMP Launch To Disable All Nation's Electronic Devices (article)

Anthropologists Discover Isolated Tribe Of Joyful Americans Living In Remote Village Untouched By 2016 Election (headline)

Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand (headline)

The Onion Humbly Offers Up Its Offices To Imprison The Women Who Have Wrongfully Accused Donald Trump (article)

All-Business Adult In Halloween Shop Beelines It Straight For Pinhead Mask (headline)

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One (headline)

Secret Service Shuts Down Biden's Unofficial White House Tour Operation (headline)

Sunny Saves Bo From Mountain Lion During Cross-Country Journey To Reunite With Obamas (headline)

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children's Crusade (headline)

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker's Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors (headline)

Oh, Am I Transporting You To A New World And Introducing You To Beautifully Drawn Characters, You Pussy? (by a Book) (article)

Town Hall Audience Member Asks Clinton To Quickly Pivot Away From His Question And Then State Her Platform (headline)

Anderson Cooper Begins Debate By Giving Trump Opportunity To Explain What The Fuck Is Wrong With Him (headline)

Paul Ryan Currently 141 Miles Into Run Through Wisconsin Countryside (headline)

Tearful Tim Kaine Wandering Around Backstage At Debate Asking If Anyone Has Seen His Running Mate (headline)

James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer (headline)

Trump Relaxes After Debate By Slipping Back Into Nice, Warm Personal Reality (headline)

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses (headline)

Poll: Majority Of Americans Still Remember Where They Were When Gandalf Fell Into Abyss (article)

I'm Tired Of These Punks Coming Through My Neighborhood Blasting Their Late-1990s, Ghettotech, DJ Godfather-Inflected Hip-Hop (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'Sully' (direction)

Hurricane Concerned It Caught Something In Panama City, Florida (article)

New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day (headline)

37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band (headline)

Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband's Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits (article)

How Do Archers Resist Firing Arrows At Everyone In The Spectator Gallery? (concept)

Olympics Head Priestess Slits Throat Of Official Rio Mascot To Sanctify Opening Ceremony (headline and article)

Performers Frantically Trying To Incorporate Spewing Sewage Pipe Into Rio Opening Ceremony (headline)

'DSM-5' Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon (headline)

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech (article)

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot (headline and article)

Bound, Gagged Joaquin Castro Horrified By What His Identical Twin Brother Might Be Doing Out On DNC Floor (headline)

Convention Crowd Really Hoping Bill Clinton Breaks Tension With Joke About How Terrible He Looks (headline)

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O'Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot (headline)

Michelle Obama: 'Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I'll Never Get Back' (headline)

Pence Tells Emotional Story Of Longtime Friend Who Was Aborted After Second Trimester (article)

'Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,' Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech (headline)

Cleveland Ukrainian Museum Pulling Out All Stops To Prepare For Onrush Of RNC Visitors (headline)

The Onion Reviews Ghostbusters (direction)

Trump Raises $50 Million At Fundraiser Where GOP Donors Get To Watch Him Weep For 2 Hours (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'Independence Day: Resurgence' (script and direction)

The Onion Reviews 'Finding Dory' (direction)

CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools (headline)

'I'd Like You To Post Long, Aggressive Rants On Social Media,' Says Bernie Sanders In Supporter's Interpretation Of Speech (headline)

Dubai Completes Construction On World's First Full-Scale Replica Of Dubai (headline)

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination (SUB: Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say) (headline and article)

Look At Them, The Fools--All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune (by the CEO of a Graham Cracker company) (article)

Coworker Loudly Typing Away Like 1930s Cub Reporter Chasing Hot Lead (headline)

Nation Unable To Recall If Trump Said He'd Personally Fund Abortion Bombings Or If That Just Sounds Right (headline)

Man Googling 'Tender Lump On Neck' About To Begin Exciting New Phase In Life (headline)

Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki (article)

Disney Begins Uploading Obama's Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot (headline)

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn't Have Same Spark As Richard (headline)

Mysterious Benefactor Leaves Coupon Book To Dozens Of Local Establishments In Man's Mailbox (headline)

Poll Finds Many Voters Would Support Equally Unlikable Third-Party Candidate (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'Captain America: Civil War' (direction and script)

''Run! Run And Never Look Back!' Whispers Heidi Cruz While Hugging Carly Fiorina On Rally Stage (article)

Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet (headline)

Breeze Plays Kick-Ass Riff On Wind Chimes (headline)

Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles (article)

Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood's 'The Finer Things' (headline)

Clif Bar Introduces New Savory Clif Loaf (headline, tweaked from my original 'ClifDinners' to 'ClifLoaf' by someone funnier than me)

Report: Freezers In Healthy Choice Corporate Offices Probably Stocked With Every Kind Of Healthy Choice You Could Imagine (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice' (direction and script)

Video Game Boss Thinking He Should Get Big Glowing Weak Spot On Back Checked Out (article)

Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart (headline)

Merrick Garland Kind Of Uncomfortable With Political Analysts Casually Pointing Out He'll Die Relatively Soon After Nomination (article)

Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances (headline)

'I Suffer From Severe Psychological Issues And I Need The Help Of Mental Health Professionals,' Says Trump In Pointed Debate Comeback (headline)

Ask A Nobleman Attempting To Secure A Husband For His Least-Marriageable Daughter (headline)

McDonald's Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac (article)

Bloated, Rotund Bernie Sanders Reveals He Has Finished Drinking All Of Flint's Water Supply (headline)

Audubon Society Reveal They've Only Seen, Like, 3 Birds (headline)

Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results (SUB: 'Satisfactory,' Says Candidate) (headline)

''I'm Trump All The Way,' Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election (headline)

Obama Receives Classified Briefing On Likelihood Of 'Krull' Reboot (headline)

Hillary Clinton Pleasantly Surprised After Finding Old $20,000 Donation Check In Coat Pocket (article)

Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs (article)

Nation Satisfied As Selena Gomez Completes Transition Into Sexualized Plaything (SUB: 'Good—It Is Done,' Say Americans) (headline)

Poll Finds 23% Of Americans Would Vote For Jeb Bush If Candidate Standing Right Next To Them In Voting Booth (headline)

Shamefaced Man Stands Stock-Still As Acquaintance Zips Up Backpack For Him (headline)

So Help Me God, I'm Going To Eat One Of Those Multicolored Detergent Pods (by a Toddler) (headline)

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship (headline)

Nation's Oppressed Christians Huddle Underground To Light Single Shriveled Christmas Shrub (headline and article)

The Onion Reviews 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' (direction, script, and idea)

Guy Wearing Chewbacca Costume Torn Between Seeing 'Star Wars' And 'The Big Short' (headline and article)

Transportation Secretary Calls For $200 Billion In Funding To Repair Nation's Rickety Wooden Bridges (article)

Aw, Fer Crying Out Loud! (by a Fed-Up Guy) (article)

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard (SUB: 'I Haven't Forgotten You,' Father Softly Whispers (article)

Dan Coats Lifts Junior Senator Onto His Shoulders To Give Better View Of State Of The Union (headline)

New Department Of Interior Program To Reduce Deer Population By Providing Free Condoms To Fawns (article)

Scalia Bundles Up In Fur Robe In Preparation For D.C. Blizzard (headline)

You Might Be Surprised, But Your Unhip Ol' Pops Actually Used To Be Quite The Meth Head (headline and article)

Middle-Aged Man In Gym Locker Room Puts Shirt On Before Underwear (headline)

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron's Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders' Environmental Platform (article)

Christie Describes ISIS As Grave, Towering, Meaty Threat To U.S. While Staring At Diner Patron's Corned Beef Sandwich (article)

Clinton Aide Told To Leave Behind Weak Volunteer Who Collapsed During March To South Carolina (headline)

Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss (SUB: 'Everyone Head Home And We'll Try This Again Tomorrow,' Says President) (headline)

Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity (headline)

Realtor Was Not Expecting Such Hard-Hitting Questions About Water Pressure (headline)

The Hardest Part Of Being A Parent Is Telling Your Son You Can't Promote Him From VP For A Few Years (by a CEO) (headline)

The Onion Reviews 'Spectre' (script and direction)

Archaeologists Discover Ancient Femur That Could Make Mouthwatering Broth (headline and article)

Vicious, Feral House Republicans Run Loose Across D.C. Following Resignation Of Caretaker (article)

Creative Writing Professor Takes Time To Give Every Student Personalized False Hope (headline)

The Onion Looks Back At 'Back To The Future' (direction)

Study: Average Man 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine (direction)

Blood-Drenched Sarah Koenig Announces Topic For Upcoming Season Of 'Serial' (headline)

Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They're Bitable (script and direction)

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave (headline)

Quiznos Releases New 6-Foot-Long Party Man (headline)

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day (article)

Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She's Not Interested In Him (headline)

Ethical Hunter Throws Duck He Shot Back Into Sky (headline and article)

Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto (script and direction)

Report: Oyster Cracker-Wise, Nation Doing Pretty Good (article)

6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies (script and direction)

Threat Level Hypothetical: How Cannibalistic Militias Could, Technically Speaking, Wipe Out A Small South American Village (script)

Amount Of Water Man Just Used To Wash Dish To Be Prize Of Hand-To-Hand Combat Match In 2065 (headline)

Onion Explains: International Drug Trade (direction)

Full Summer Of Tending Backyard Garden Produces Single Edible Cherry Tomato (headline)

Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation (script and direction)

Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Who's Openly Horrible To Them (article)

I, Despot: The Brutal Two-Year Reign Of An Undercover Edge Reporter (script)

Onion Explains: The Terrifying Growth Of ISIS (direction)

Kisha Nai: Inside The Japanese Subculture Of Ignoring American Reporters Even If They're Rad As Hell (script)

Scientists Teach Father To Communicate Emotions Using Rudimentary Hand Gestures (headline, script, and direction)

Onion Explains: The International State Of Women's Rights (direction)

Man Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving There (headline)

Poll: 89% Of Americans Believe Obama Has Failed To Bring America Closer To Celestial Utopia Of Endless Pleasure (headline)

If Another Country Ever Started Calling Itself America, I'd Be So Pissed (headline and article)

Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea (direction and some joke)

Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute (article)

Onion Explains: The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict (direction, script, and some jokes)

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again (headline)

Man Flirting With Girl At Party Can't Wait To Be Informed She Has Boyfriend (headline)

Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn't Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything (article)

Dolby Theatre Hunchback Stares Longingly At Beautiful Guests From Rafters (article)

Apartment Manager Already Knows To Look Out For Tenant Sending In Minnie Mouse Checks (headline)

Progressive Company Pays Both Men And Women 78% Of What They Should Be Earning (article)

World Wildlife Fund Announces New Breeding Program To Create Way More Squirrels Than Necessary (headline and article)

Looking Back On My Life, I Guess My Biggest Regret Is Trying To Fight That Alligator 5 Minutes Ago (headline)

Grandson's Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic (article)

Man Who Baked Banana Bread Spends Entire Party Anxiously Watching It Go Uneaten (headline)

Barber's Paunch Keeps Touching Customer (headline)

Hand Gestures Transform Friend's Story Into Immersive Virtual Reality Experience (headline and article)

Older Prostitute Explains To Younger Prostitute Who Richard Belzer Is, What He Expects (article)

Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business (article)

The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music' (script)

The Onion Reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' (headline)

Having My First Child Was A Better High Than All The Ecstasy I've Ever Done (headline)

Wild, Rutting Animals Pour Onto Prom Dance Floor (headline)

Self-Deprecating Man Just Scratching Surface Of How Pathetic He Actually Is (headline)

It's Terrifying To Think That In 1,000 Years, All Of Us Will Be Forgotten Except For Me (headline)

2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground (headline)

Roommates Assured Girlfriend Only Staying Over For Entire Duration Of Relationship (article)

Woman Only Willing To Learn New Things In Settings Called Boot Camp (article)

Automakers Ask Nation If It Still Wants That Handle Above Car Windows (article)

'Game Of Thrones' Fans Shocked After Some Little Goblin Or Something Killed Off In Last Night's Episode (headline and article)

Guy Sipping Energy Drink On Subway Probably Heading Off To Snowboard In X Games Or Something (headline)

Brian Williams Retreats To Mountainside Hut To Meditate On Fickle Nature Of Truth (headline)

Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations (article)

Guy Washing Hands For Full 5 Seconds Like He's Going Into Surgery (article)

The Onion Looks Back At 'The Goonies' (direction)

The Onion Reviews 'Jurassic World' (script, concept, and direction)

Onion Explains: The Rise of China (direction)

Onion Explains: Putin's Russia (direction)

'You Are Not Your Job,' Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower (article)

Friend Working At Milwaukee History Museum Could Probably Get You In For Free (headline)

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing (article)

Man Returning From Vacation Settles On Single Concise Anecdote He'll Tell Everyone Who Asks (article)

New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User's Mouth Always Being Full (article)

Congressman Knows Regular Lobbyist's Order Without Even Having To Be Told (article)

Man Torn Between Boycotting Indiana, Visiting Evansville Zoo (headline and article)

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock (article)

PetSmart Manager Does Morning Sweep Of Enclosures For Dead Ones Before Opening Doors For Day (article)

Study: Best Method Of Finding Job Still Excitedly Circling Newspaper Listing In Red Marker (headline)

Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The 'Mona Lisa' (headline)

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered (article)

Pantene Releases New Complicated 1-In-2 Shampoo (article)

Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child (headline)

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up (article)

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S. (article)

Area Woman Not A Morning, Afternoon, Or Night Person (headline)

Heritage Foundation Lowers Another Retired GOP Senator Into Vat Of Strategists (headline)

Harper Lee Announces Third Novel, 'My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune' (article)

Neighbor Still Has Tree Standing In Yard Weeks After Arbor Day (headline)

Coworker Who Just Threw Fit And Stormed Out Of Room Looked Like Total Badass (headline)

Frustrated Republicans Argue Pope Should Leave Science To Scientists Who Deny Climate Change (headline)

Ungrateful Man Just Up And Dies After Everything Insurance Company Has Done For Him (headline)

Report: Nation's Ditches Overflowing With Children Of Worried Parents (article)

James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film's Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire (article)

Trip To Office Kitchen Hastily Altered To Trip To Bathroom To Evade Despised Coworker (article)

Sometimes I Feel Like Things Would Be Better Off If I Never Existed (headline and article)

New Study Finds Majority Of God's Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere (headline)

Man Wistfully Looks Around Website He Hasn't Visited For 30 Minutes (headline)

Helpful Waitress Asks Recently Seated Couple If They've Eaten Food Before (headline)

Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He's Already Heard (headline)

Area Man Only One With Problems (headline and article)

Returning Parents Can Tell Son Had Huge House Fire Over Weekend (headline and article)

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks (article)

James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film's Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire (article)

Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker (article)

I Don't Vaccinate My Child Because It's My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back (article)

State Of The Union Guests Sort Of Assumed White House Would Pay For Them To Get Home (article)

Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea (article)

Chinese Officials Vow To Fix Nation's Crumbling Reeducation System (headline)

Most Disgusting Towel Spends Final Days Relegated To Role As Bath Mat (headline)

Man Reserving Judgment On Best Actress Nominees Until Looking At All 5 Pictures (article)

Area Man Could Have Made Same Meal At Home But Worse (headline)

HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related (article)

Alcoholic Father Granted Posthumous Sainthood By Catholic Family (headline)

Everyone In Family Compliments Grandmother On How Small And Feeble She's Gotten (headline)

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room (article)

Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn't Have His Genetic Material (headline and article)

Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves (headline)

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff (article)

EPA Unveils Plan To Add 500 Million Squirts Of Lemon To U.S. Water Supply (headline)

Pacific Ocean Quarantined After Contact With Carnival Cruise Ship (article)

Hip, Laid-Back Doctor Refers To Influenza As 'The Flu' (headline)

All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased (article)

Man Trying To Enter Conversation Spends Few Minutes Smiling And Nodding At Edge Of Circle (headline)

Mild-Mannered Reporter Suddenly Transforms Into Incredible Unemployed Man (article)

Area Man Too Deep Into Haircut To Start Talking To Barber Now (headline)

Study: 83% Of Web Content Unfit For Human Consumption (headline)

Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama's Nerves (headline and article)

The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar' (concept)

I Don't Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men (headline and article)

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO (headline)

Street Harasser Haunted By Woman Who Got Away With Dignity Intact (headline and article)

Hero Of The Common Man Talks To Plumber For Entire Time He's In House (headline)

Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway (article)

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave (headline)

Documentary Viewer Can't Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever (article)

The Onion Reviews: 'Gone Girl' (concept)

Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing (headline)

Nation Longs For One More Day With Dying Manufacturing Sector (article)

It's Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks (headline)

Area Man Experimented With Sex Back In College (headline)

Tollbooth Attendant Wishes Just One High-Speed Chase Would Crash Through Entry Bar (headline)

Report: You're Actually Saving Money With Roller Rink Membership (article)

Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds (article)

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired (direction and script)

F. Scott Fitzgerald Estate Wondering Why The Hell Ken Burns Hasn't Come Knocking Yet (article)

Elderly Rite Aid Patron Stretching Out Conversation About Toothpaste To Prolong Human Contact (headline and article)

Uneasy Detente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee (article)

Report: Female Interns Earn Only Three-Fourths Of College Credit That Male Counterparts Do (headline)

Bored Kim Jong-Un Stacks Entire North Korean Populace Into Human Pyramid To Kill Time (article)

Report: Average American Loses $5,000 Each Year From Splitting Check (headline)

The Onion Looks Back On Dirty Dancing (concept)

Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying (headline)

Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying (headline)

Elderly Parents Staying Active By Frequently Going To Friends' Funerals (article)

NYC Officials Assure Public Most Puddles Of Bodily Fluid On Streets Not Contaminated With Ebola (headline)

Crowd Outside White House Hoping To Catch Glimpse Of President Naked (article)

Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying (headline)

Archaeologists Discover Cave Where Ancient Humans First Had To Pretend To Like Friend's Art (headline and article)

http://www.theonion.com/article/tense-party-enters-third-hour-of-unplayed-acoustic-37031 (headline)

Bath & Body Works Scientists Destroy Experimental Scent Unfit For Mankind (article)

The Genius Behind TinyURL Explains How He Gets The Links So Small (headline)

Man Kicking Self For Wasting Valuable Plate Space At Beginning Of Buffet Line (article)

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life (article)

L'Oreal Releases New Line Of Makeup Specifically For Men To Wear When Wives Not Home (article)

Obama: Iraq Airstrikes Not Slippery Slope To Other Humanitarian Interventions (article)

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living (headline and article)

Nation's Prospective College Applicants Go Straight To Princeton Review's 'Best College Radio Station' Rankings (article)

Civilian Casualty Flattered To Have Been Mistaken For Hamas Leader (article)

Study: Average American Has Over 9 Million Imagined Sexual Partners In Lifetime (headline and article)

Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup (headline)

Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind (headline and article)

GlaxoSmithKline Releases New Drug To Treat People Who Just Feel Sort Of Weird Sometimes (headline)

Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There (article)

Psychology Comes To Halt As Weary Researchers Say The Mind Cannot Possibly Study Itself (article)

Give It To Me As Roundabout And Sugarcoated As Possible, Doc (headline)

Scientists: Rich People, Poor People May Have Shared Common Ancestor (article)

Obama To Cut Costs By Packing Lunch Every Day For U.S. Populace (article)

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed (article)

Israel: Palestinians Given Ample Time To Evacuate To Nearby Bombing Sites (article)

Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed (article)

The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' (script)

God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research (article)

Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back (headline)

Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus (article)

New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents (headline)

Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings (article)

Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine (direction)

Iraqis Somehow Manage To Screw Up Functional Democracy U.S. Left Them With (headline)

Pigeon Wishes Just Once It Could Complete Head Movement Smoothly (headline)

Shocking 'Game Of Thrones' Finale Concludes With Arrest Of 5 Million Viewers For Piracy (headline and article)

Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something (article)

Desperate Barnes & Noble To Give Unlimited Free Tablets To Anyone Who Walks In Store (article)

Resigning House Leader Cantor Reflects On All The Accomplishments He Thwarted (article)

New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game (headline, script rewrites, direction)

Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels (script)

The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan' (script)

Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn't Think She's Worth $3,000 Gallstone Surgery (headline)

Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop (headline)

New X-Men Film Features Bryan Singer Traveling Back In Time To Molest Younger Self (article)

Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor (headline)

Fourth-Grader With Shark Tooth Necklace Must Have Killed Great White (article)

Taco Bell Warns Employees Against Directly Exposing Skin To Food (article)

Congress Reluctant To Cut Funding For Tank That Just Spins Around And Self-Destructs (article)

High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job (direction)

Prescription Bottle Recommends Taking 10 Tablets If You Really Want To Fly (article)

Paleontologists Unearth Earliest Known Dinosaur Stickers (article)

Study: Most Serial Killers Did Not Receive Toy Every Time They Went To Store As Kids (direction)

4 Incredible Rocks That Look Just Like People (article)

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She'll Settle (article)

Classmates Awed By First-Grader Who Gets Free Breakfast Every Day (article)

Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day (article)

U.N. Report On Magical Realism Warns Of Increased Incidences Of Women's Tears Flooding The Entire World (article)

Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents (article)

Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day (article)

Mom Packs Encouraging Note In Own Lunch (article)

Deeply Held Conviction Immediately Dropped After Friend Half-Heartedly Disagrees (headline)

Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings (script)

Study: Home Rotisseries Only American Technological Field Still Advancing (headline)

Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today (article)

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship (article)

12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens (headline and a number of the slides)

If God Exists, Why Doesn't He Throw Us, Like, A Really Fucking Sweet Party? (headline)

Top Of Mt. Everest Pulling Away Majority Of Hollywood Films With Generous Tax Credit Program (headline)

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags (article)

Report: 58% Of World's Japanese Speakers White 23-Year-Old American Males (headline)

Older Cousin Thinks It About Time To Have Uninformed Sex Talk With Area 8-Year-Old (article)

Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking (article)

Chorus To 'Juke Box Hero' Playing On Repeat In Monk's Bowed Head (headline)

Chinese Factory Workers Fear They May Never Be Replaced With Machines (article)

Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out (article)

The Onion Reviews Divergent (script)

Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3 (headline)

Where Is God Hiding? (headline)

Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side (headline)

Expectant Parents Throw Some Values Together At Last Minute (article)

It Not Clear If It Okay To Pass Handicapped Woman On Sidewalk (article)

Parents Urge Son To Invest In Improv Comedy Education (script)

12-Year-Old Couldn't Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox (script)

Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today (article)

Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3 (article)

Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She's Talking About (article)

Expressing Deeply Held Political Opinion Referred To As 'Gaffe' (article)

Close-Minded Man Not Even Willing To Hear Out Argument On Why Homosexuality An Abomination (headline and article)

Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time (script)

Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor (script)

Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads (headline)

Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She's Not Interested In Him (headline)

New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education (article)

Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ? (headline)

Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads (headline)

Congress Is Playing Professional Tournament-Level Ping-Pong With This Nation's Future (headline)

Report: [-]% Of Americans Suffer From Synesthesia (headline)

187 Images, Which, If Rapidly Clicked Through, Will Create The Illusion Of Motion (headline)

Grotesque Child Born With Only 99% Normal Human DNA (headline)

Report: 'Swamp Thing' And 'The Return Of Swamp Thing' Just 2 Of Literally Thousands Of Movies (article)

Couple Uses Their Genitals To Create Tiny Replica Of Themselves (headline)

English Professor Suddenly Realizes Students Will Believe Literally Anything She Says (headline)

Delusional Man Somehow Thinks He's Going To Get Oscar Nomination (article)

Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers (headline)

Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman's House (headline)

Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business (headline)

Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown (article)

Relatives Gather From Across The Country To Stare Into Screens Together (headline and article)

Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds (article)

No One On Pirate Ship Has Any Idea What 'Splicing The Main Brace' Means

Terrifying Man Selling Dead Trees Out Of Middle School Parking Lot (article)

Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone (article)

Company Now 95 Percent Interns (headline)

College Sophomore Raves About Internship Where He Was Almost Treated Like Human Being (headline)

Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time (headline)

Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available? (article)

Vegan's Favorite Restaurant Surprisingly Even Worse Than Expected (headline)

The Onion Film Standard: Oscars Edition (concept)

The Onion Looks Back At 'E.T.' (script)

The Onion Looks Back At 'It's A Wonderful Life' (concept)

The Onion Reviews 'The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug' (script)

The Onion Review, December 2nd (script and direction)

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer (article)

Frustrated Iranian Scientist Forced To Shut Down Project He Spent 12 Goddamn Years Of His Life On (headline and article)

Man Smoking E-Cigarette Must Be Futuristic Bounty Hunter (headline)

Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before (article)

New Report Finds Climate Change Caused By 7 Billion Key Individuals (headline)

The Onion Review, November 18th (script and direction)

Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1 (headline)

Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available? (article)

Report: Kanye West, Bill Gates, Tom Hanks All Currently Reading, Enjoying This Article (headline)

Open Floor Plan Increases Office Shooter's Productivity By 95% (headline and article)

T.G.I. Friday's Bankrupt After Spending Billions On Priceless Americana (headline)

Area Man Condemned To Life Sentience (headline)

The Onion Review, November 11th (script and direction)

Independent Bookstore Puts The Dave Eggers Right Where The Fuckers Can Find Them (article)

Male Substitute Teacher With Ponytail Cloaked In Mystery (article)

Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis (headline and article)

BREAKING: Intruders Detected In Zone 17 (headline and article)

BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn't Commit (headline and article)

Woman Unaware She's Only Person On Acid At James Taylor Concert (headline)

Pilot Thanks Passengers For Flying Delta Just Before Plane Explodes Into A Million Pieces Over Atlantic (headline)

Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water (article)

5-Year-Old Reluctantly Lets Mom Sleep In His Bed Again (headline)

BREAKING: Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible (headline)

Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread (headline)

Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months (article)

Are We Leaving Our Children Far Enough Behind To Ensure They Never Take Our Jobs? (headline)

New Study Finds Human Beings Were Never Meant To Wake Up From Sleep (headline and article)

Nation's Pedophiles March On Washington D.C. Elementary School(article)

There's Going To Be A New Alpha Male In The Office When My Coworkers Hear About The Baby Deer I Saw (article)

Report: You Live In An Embarrassing Country (article)

Serial Killer Thinking Of Interesting Ways To Incorporate Social Media (article)

Chipmunk's Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans (article)

Fucking Pathetic John Ashbery Actually Thinks He Has Chance Of Winning Nobel Prize In Literature This Year (article)

Nobel Prize In Chemistry Award To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler (article)

Anonymous Source Tells Reporter He's Tired Of Being Speaker Of The House (headline)

The Onion Review, October 7th (script)

The Onion Review, September 30th (script)

Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Sized Candy Bar (article)

'Breaking Bad' Ends With Reveal That Whole Series Was Plot Of Book Marie Shoplifted (article)

7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die (headline)

Dad Explains Obamacare (article)

Onion Film Standard: The Butler (concept and script)

Onion Film Standard: Gravity (concept)

Lack Of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable (headline)

The Onion Review, September 19th (script)

Lonely Nation Gathers Outside Window Of Happy Family Eating Dinner Together (headline)

Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility (headline)

The Onion Review, September 13th (script)

Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality (article)

Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today (article)

Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality (headline)

Heartless Dutch Curators Put Deranged Scrawlings Of Mentally Ill Suicide Victim On Full Display For World To Mock (article)

New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long (article)

Foreign Guy Probably Dressed Very Fashionably For Wherever He's From (article)

Stop Sign Taking Forever To Change (headline)

Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House (headline and article)

Report: Americans Enjoy Watching TV, Eating (headline)

Nation Annoyed About Having To Spend Long Weekend Away From Work (headline)

Report: Now Sadly The Best Time In American History To Be Black (headline)

Woman Who Left Room Crying Earlier Expects To Jump Back Into Party Just Like That (article)

Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community (article)

Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media (article)

CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them (article)

Man With 2-Dollar-Sign Salary Recklessly Walks Into 3-Dollar-Sign Restaurant (headline)

Here's The One True Way To Heaven (article)

Washington's Hobby Lobby Lobbies To Strengthen Hobbies (headline and article)

Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller (headline)

All Of Your Memories Implanted In You 5 Minutes Ago When Universe Was Created (headline)

Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man (headline)

San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It's About To Do (article)

Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels (script)

Report: Employers Know Within First 5 Minutes Of Job Interview Whether They Will Murder Applicant (headline)

Boss Seemed Much Nicer In Job Interview (headline)

Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Aren't Discriminated Against (article)

Hundreds Dead In Egypt's Inspiring March Toward Democracy (headline)

Teen Choice Awards Honor Cory Monteith With Posthumous Surfboard (article)

Report: Some Shirts Good, Other Shirts Not Good (article)

Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue (headline)

Man Misses Simple Pleasure Of Going To Movie Store, Browsing For Something, Being Told It's Out, Driving Home (headline)

Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans (article)

Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight (article)

I'm Happy To Say, After 71 years, I'm Finally Going On A Surfin' Safari (headline and article)

Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community (article)

The Onion Review, July 22nd (script)

Man Pulling In $1,000 Per Month Has Nerve To Complain About Minimum Wage Laws (article)

Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland (headline and article)

Report: Detroit Bankruptcy Might Transform City Into Some Kind Of Hellish, Depopulated Wasteland (headline)

Royal Baby Born (article)

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought (headline)

Last Time I Checked This Was Still America, But If I'm Being Honest, That Was A While Ago (headline)

McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes (article)

Overjoyed Florida Gay Couples Rush Out To Have Marriage Denied (headline)

Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger' (headline)

Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken (article)

Sources: You Don't Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman (article)

'Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,' Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard (headline)

Robot Charged With Battery (headline)

Coarse Sponge Excited To Join The Smith Family Dishwashing Team (headline)

231 CIA Agents Killed In Overt Ops Mission (headline)

Middle-Aged Banana Panics Upon Finding First Brown Spot (headline)

Couple Going At It LIke Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabits (headline)

Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object (headline)